Make Everyone Sexy And Sad: Pitches For New CW Remakes
By Max
June 2, 2016
Remakes are big cash, no point in denying that. Take an old property, slap a six pack and some hair gel on it and BAM! Instant hit. Just look at that sexy CW reboot of Archie, Riverdale. It’s not even out yet and it’s already a huge hit. (Given time, that will either be hilariously wrong or highly prescient.) Now I’m thinking why not jump on the profit pony with a few sexy remake ideas of my own? How hard can it be?
GALAXY HIGH SCHOOL
The Original: Two students from Earth are selected to go to Galaxy High, a place where teenagers from across the galaxy gather to learn space puns. Pretty nerd Aimee has an easy time fitting in thanks to her intelligence, while insensitive jock Doyle has difficulty getting used to his new environment.
The New Premise: Two teenagers are abducted into an intergalactic military school in order to indulge in sexy dangerous shenanigans IN SPAAAAAAAAAAAACE. Sexy nerd Aimee has to become one of the popular girls clique in order to survive, while Doyle has to struggle to maintain his human identity while being broken down and remade by the alien military complex.
The Elevator Pitch: Gossip Girl meets Babylon 5, appealing to two major customer bases at once. (Teenagers and nerds.)
The First Season Finale: Aimee thinks she might be pregnant and her life might depend on finding out who the father is. Someone gets locked in a airlock.
CAPTAIN PLANET
The Original: Five teenagers are given rings with magical powers to help them fight pollution. Together, they can summon a superhero called Captain Planet!
The New Premise: Five teenagers are given rings with magical powers to help them fight pollution. They become eco-terrorists, aware that if they do not complete their missions, the spirit that powers their ring will manifest and get rid of pollution by destroying humanity.
The Elevator Pitch: Makes the network look like it cares about the environment while giving them an easy way to cross-promote advertisers as being green.
The First Season Finale: Wheeler relapses and uses Bliss again. Ma-Ti reveals how he has been manipulating the rest of the team, and the spirit known as Captain Planet finally manifests on the physical place.
FANGFACE
The Original: A group of teenagers go around the country solving supernatural mysteries. One of the teens is a coward who turns into a werewolf at the sight of a full moon.
The New Premise: A group of teenagers go around the country solving supernatural mysteries with the help of their friend, a perpetually shirtless werewolf. They use their friend’s lycanthropy in order to fight the monsters they encounter. Honestly, it’s a lot like the original only with a lot more shirtless actors in their twenties pretending to be teenagers.
The Elevator Pitch: Teen Wolf meets 50 Shades of Grey. Lots of shirtlessness, bondage, and vague homosexual undertones without any actual gay characters.
The First Season Finale: Sherman "Fangs" Fangsworth loses control of his werewolf form and bites Pugsy, who may or may not be infected. Kim, who is both black and the only female character, is killed.
MARY POPPINS
The Original: A magical nanny comes to teach a family the importance of being a family.
The New Premise: A nanny with magic powers is drawn into the shady side of high society when a sexy older man and his sexy wife hire her to look after their children, two sexy teenage troublemakers.
The Elevator Pitch: Downton Abbey, but less complicated and with more partial nudity.
The First Season Finale: Mary is accused of witchcraft, it is revealed that the sexy wife is sleeping with one of the sexy teens.
PRINCESS GWENEVERE AND THE JEWEL RIDERS
The Original: A princess and her friends bond with magical beasts and try to find enchanted jewels in order to stop an evil sorceress from taking over the kingdom. Loosely based on the book series The Dragonriders of Pern.
The New Premise: Keep everything the same, but bring in more elements from the Pern books. The suicidal supercomputer, the genetic engineering, the psychically-inducing animal fucking. All that fun stuff. (That’s fucking induced by a psychic link to animals, not being psychically induced to fuck animals. Just to be clear.)
The Elevator Pitch: Game of Thrones with more dubiously consensual fucking.
The First Season Finale: The Sorceress Kale summons a rain of Thread. Gwenevere discovers the Supercomputer MERLIN, which promises to transfer all of its knowledge to her and completely changes the genre of the show.
About the author:
Max writes comics about comics at Waiting For The T.
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